My name is Caroline. I’m 27 years old, a part time CrossFit trainer, married to Blake, with 3 beautiful babies all under the age of 3. Eme is 2.5, Gus is 15 months, and Duke is 2 months.
Marrying Blake 5 years ago was the best decision I ever made, after salvation, of course. Our first two years of marriage were relatively easy, but I wanted to be a mom and couldn’t wait to grow our family. So one day in June 2013 we decided to start trying to have a baby.
One month later I found out I was pregnant with Emerson.
Emerson was an easy baby. I thought having kids was a piece of cake. Keep them coming I said!!
Along came Baby Gus when Eme was about 18 months old. Shock set in. He was not as easy Emerson had been, and Emerson wasn’t so easy anymore now either.
Here came all the life changes at once. We moved houses, Gus had a bad case of reflux, my sister moved to another state, and postpartum depression set in.
My Gus was about 6 weeks old and I had never felt so alone in my whole life.
I was ashamed because I felt so disconnected from my husband and children.
I didn’t want to tell anyone how I felt, so I buried it deep and painted on a smile. Inside, all I wanted was to get in my car and drive away. Far away.
It got to be too much for me to hold in and I told Blake I was scared and broken, and I didn’t know how to cope. Blake was great.
He encouraged me to go talk to our pastor and see if he could help in anyway. It was exactly what I needed.
Tom talked and listened to me for weeks. He helped me realize I needed to make God my source, instead of everyone around me.
God is the only source that won’t let me fall off the cliff of fear I stood on the edge of. He had me harnessed in by His unconditional love and wouldn’t let me crash into a pit of failure.
That even if everyone else in this world didn’t like me, made fun of me, was mad at me, or thought I was a bad mother, God was always going to love me.
Later, I found out I was pregnant again (minutes before my last counseling session). Gus was only 4 months old and still hadn’t slept through a single night. Blake and I cried. We were scared and overwhelmed.
I went on to meet with Tom, but that fear of rejection and judgement hung in the back of my mind. I had no idea what he would say. To my surprise, a huge smile came across his face, and a belly laugh rang in my ears. He was so excited for us!
His words in that moment set the tone for my whole pregnancy, “You were made to be a mom.”
In that moment, I knew that was exactly what God needed me to hear. He created me to be a mom. And God has a huge smile across His face, telling me,”We’ve got this.”
photography: Rachel Archer
Looking back, I cant imagine life going any differently. Duke is beautiful and sweet and EASY! We all adore him. Life without Duke just wouldn’t make any sense. Blake and I are taking every moment as it comes. We’re just trying to soak in these precious moments and know this is exactly where the Lord wants us.
If you have postpartum depression, the best thing you can do is ask God to walk through it with you, tell your significant other, and get professional help. Support makes all the difference in that season of life. Don’t isolate and don’t worry what anyone thinks.
Just know that if God gave you the ability – or if you’ve gone through the process of adoption – you too were made to be a mom.