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My Miscarriage Story

Jun 29, 2018

 

Miscarriage is the expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently, spontaneously or as the result of accident.


 

Today’s blog post was originally designed to tell you that I was expecting a little baby!

I wanted to print this picture out and frame it for Paul’s office.

miscarriage

 

Between the time these photos were taken – and the time I posted on my blog – I suffered through a horrific miscarriage.

 

This is common among women of all ages, but I never understood the pain until it was my body and my baby.

 

It’s important that I’m transparent with you today, and every day, because I love you.

I never want to be some un-relatable blog that doesn’t provide any depth or humanity.

I’m not a digital magazine.

I’m a person.

 

And I was so excited to share these images with you and let you know about our upcoming Valentine’s present so you could celebrate with us!

….but our little Valentine passed away.

 

And this is truly how I feel:

 

Spiritually: wounded.

Mentally: drained.

Emotionally: crippled.

Physically: damaged.

 

I’ve been weeping, screaming out in pain, mad at God, and traumatized. I feel as though a part of me died with baby. I keep wondering if I did enough to keep my baby alive…

 

Did my baby die because I got into that heated pool at my friends’ birthday party? The doctor said it was fine as long as it was under 97 degrees. This pool was set at 91.

 

Did my baby die because I drank a cup of coffee in the morning? The doctor said one cup a day was fine.

 

Is it because I didn’t take enough folic acid? The questions continue to circulate in my mind…

 

Paul says I’m not to blame.

That many babies come from mothers who drink or do drugs and some turn out perfectly healthy.

That chemically, something went wrong, and that’s why our baby didn’t get the chance to live.

 

So today I write – with a heavy heart – and from a place of sincerity.

 

I want to help anyone who stumbles upon this post and thinks they also may be experiencing a miscarriage.

 

Maybe your symptoms are similar to mine, maybe you’ll know what to look for in the future, or maybe you can cry with me because you’ve been here.

This might be graphic for anyone who hasn’t yet experienced pregnancy or loss so read at your own risk.

Here’s my miscarriage story:

Day One: I began spotting one night. I thought it was normal because Paul and I made love that day. Apparently, it’s normal to bleed after sex because you have higher blood volume while pregnant.

I didn’t experience any cramping so I went to bed with a sound mind. The blood was dark red which usually means it is older blood. I should have seen that as a red flag.

Day Two: The bleeding became a little heavier (I would suggest something similar to a light period day). The blood was a combination of dark red and bright red. I still hadn’t experienced any cramping so I assumed I would stop bleeding the next day. It would be fine.

Day Three: was bad. I suffered through cramping pretty much all day off and on. At Audri’s swim lessons, at the house, in the car, you name it.

By this time, my bleeding could be considered a medium-to-heavy period day. It was only bright red (which means it is fresh). I began to fear. Which is an abnormal emotion for me. I also began to search Google – and that was even more terrifying.

I don’t recommend that when pregnant – simply call your OB if you’re bleeding at all just to be safe.

I physically couldn’t handle the pain anymore so I went to the ER at 3am.

 

In the car, I was crying and whimpering in pain holding my stomach, and this song started playing on the radio…

In this moment, I knew our baby was dying, and there was nothing I could do.

And just like that…. the technician couldn’t identify a fetal pole on the ultrasound, nor could she hear my baby’s heartbeat.

The doctors were very vague, whispering to each other in the hallway, and told me I should watch my symptoms and call my OB in two days for a follow up.

They slid paperwork upon release and asked me to sign next to a paragraph that stated,

“You may be having a miscarriage. At this time, your healthcare provider doesn’t know whether you will have a miscarriage or if things will clear up and your pregnancy will continue normally. This can be emotionally difficult. There is little that can be done to change the way you feel.”

 

And we left the hospital without a clear answer.

 

Day Four: was the worst day of my life.

The cramping felt exactly like it did when I was in labor with Audri 5 years ago. It’s a distinct, intense, breathtaking pain. If you are having these “contraction-like” pains, call your doctor now.

All day was a nightmare. My bathroom looked like a murder scene. It essentially was a murder scene. For the most innocent, pure human I loved so intimately.

 

Day Five: As scheduled, I saw my OB. I went into his office with an ounce of hope that God would spare my child. That the ultrasound technician would excitedly tell us, We found a heartbeat and Paul and I would throw our arms up in the air in celebration! That we would hug and have a mini party for our healthy baby.

Instead, the first thing my doctor said when he sat down was, “You miscarried yesterday. This is extremely painful. What you need to do now is hug your husband, cry for awhile, and tell your daughter that her sibling is in heaven. We need to draw more blood and watch the pregnancy hormone go down from 1900 to 0.”

 

And we left with a clear answer.

 

 

If you think you might be experiencing a miscarriage, know that a small amount of bleeding in the first 3 months are normal, but heavy bleeding and cramping is not. Get help right away.

 

Upon leaving the doctor that day, Paul and I went out to eat and cried, clinging onto one another, trying to make sense of it all.

We couldn’t bring ourselves to go home to see the room we were transforming into a nursery, empty and tainted with death, just like my womb.

We eventually had a funeral – I told baby all about how awesome dad was, wondering what baby would choose to be for halloween each year, pondering what baby’s interests would be, and asking God to let baby visit us in our dreams.

Then we planted flowers in front of our home so that baby will always be with us.

 

Unless we move, then baby will only be in our memory, and someone else will be blessed by those beautiful, pure white blooms.

 

If you’ve had a miscarriage, I’m so sorry.

 

Nothing I can write is helpful. And no amount of Bible verses take the pain away.

 

I get it. I despertately miss my baby and I know you do too.

 

I know God will work this out for good, and that He will use our miscarriages so that we can relate and witness to women who’ve gone through child loss.

God has already used this unimaginable circumstance to give Paul a better perspective on life.

 

He told me that he tends to be a little guarded – never allowing much room for feelings or optimism – so that he is protected from disappointment.

But he just shared with me, through many tears, that he’s just as upset either way, and that his walls were up for nothing. There’s no protection from something like this.

He wants to use this experience to complain less, to appreciate the present, and to replace cynicism with joy, because life is short and we aren’t promised tomorrow.

 

This post is so long, and I apologize for that. If you made it to the end, bless you. I love you. Leave me a comment. Pray for our family (especially Audri – she was so looking forward to baby’s arrival). Tell me your miscarriage story so we can mourn together.

Thank you for stopping by. God bless.

 

 

 

Photography Bryan Grayson

Jun 29, 2018 | Mindfulness
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26 Comments

  1. Bryan Grayson

    I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry for you and your family. I hope you can find peace.

    1. VeiledFree

      Thank you, friend. I appreciate the message.

  2. Alden Price

    I love you my dear friend. Your transparency regarding your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual trauma is all too real and at the same time, you being so open about it is such a horrifically beautiful thing. Horrific because no one should ever have to go through it. Beautiful because you are honest about it when lots of people won’t even speak of it.

    I had this personal revelation after losing our first:

    I kept reading my Bible and unintentionally coming across (what felt like) dozens of Biblical stories about all of these key people that God used for His glory being conceived and birthed to people who so desperately wanted and waited for a child. Parents who begged, pleaded, bartered, were told were barren, just to name a few… and yet the child God ended up blessing them with was so obviously worth the wait. It was like God saved these children who changed the course of Christianity as a beautiful gift to those parents who openly, willingly, and completely surrendered to Him understanding that this precious MIRACLE of a blessing was truly only theirs on borrow. Lots of these parents openly promised their children back to God if only He would bless them with one.

    All of that to say, the conclusion I have come to is that while a lot has changed in a few thousand years as far as society, technology, and other worldly things are concerned, one thing that has NOT changed is the fervent insatiable desire to have a child and God’s perfect timing and gift of children.

    I look at Holt and think about the fact that if we’d had our first baby, we wouldn’t have Holt. Sure we would have another one to love, but it wouldn’t be my Incredible Holt. I NEVER want Holt to suffer a day in his life, but I have seen Holt’s sweet faith and trust in Jesus through his suffering bringing others closer to Him. Isn’t that the number one thing I have prayed for every day since seeing the positive preganancy test? The prayer that the baby would be used to glorify God in whatever he/she did with their entire life? If we didn’t have Holt, my faith, Jeff’s faith, and so many other’s faith wouldn’t have been affected in the same way.

    God gives kingdom changers to those who faithfully wait well and trust along the way. I do believe that to be true.

    I said this to you earlier and I still mean it now. Nothing anyone can say can heal yours, Paul’s, or Audri’s heart- nor should anyone expect it to. Grieve your precious baby. Keep being transparent. Allow all of us to continue to rally around you and love and pray for you and your family. Be mad when you feel like it, be sad when you feel like it, feel betrayed by your body when you feel like it, and then at the end of the day remember that Jesus is holding you near as you lay awake by yourself at night and the rest of us are physically holding you when we can to remind you that we are the hands, feet, and tears of Jesus in fleshly form for you right now.

    Love you my friend.

  3. Ellie

    You are truly a strong woman. And like you said there is absolutely nothing I can say to take away the millions of emotions, thoughts and questions you have. I lost our two babies within 6 months of each other. I had to have surgery both times, one-being three days before Christmas. I won’t ever say I know how what you are going through but I just know that it’s hard. Cry, cry as much as you need too, then cry some more. Laugh when someone actually makes you laugh because that’s okay too. Scream too, into a pillow, on a roof, on top of a mountain because that too, is also healthy. And hug. Hug someone every single day-any one. Audra, Paul, your parents, a stranger who reads your blog and sees you in public… and though I know you will never go away without thinking about your precious angel….I can promise you sharp, agonizing, heart-wrenching pain with cease. I promise. And you will learn how to organize those moments of weakness and become a stronger, more resilient mother, wife and person. I am truly sorry, I really am. And as mad as you want to be at God….He only knows. And take comfort in knowing He has a plan. Always.
    Love,
    A grieving mother-for you, for me and for all those who were too precious for Earth.

  4. Leslie Kervin

    I have no words, except that I love you and I am praying for you and your beautiful family.

  5. Jenn

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your blog was raw and truthful. I too had a miscarriage 2 weeks ago. The second in 8 months. I feel all of above. My body and heart feel like they have been ripped apart. I was just starting to feel like each day was bearable and I was in a place where I didn’t cry daily when I fell pregnant again and was given hope only for it all to be broken once again. I’m back to the emotional fragile mess of 8 months ago only this time with less hope for my future. Life does not make sense sometimes but I’m really hoping that there is a reason for everything and one day it will reveal itself . Wishing you and your family lots of love and luck for the future. Be kind to yourself x x x

  6. Susanna

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ll be praying for peace for you and your family.

  7. Holly Christine Hayes

    My heart is so absolutely broken for you. 🙁 There really are no words. I love you so much and I’m praying for you continually. May the Comforter draw so close to you as you mourn, my beautiful, sweet friend.

  8. Tasha

    I still think about the baby I lost often. It has been over 5 years. It’s a pain and a true loss of life and my heart will never be the same. I pray for you to find comfort and peace and for each day to get a little easier.

  9. Cyndi

    My heart breaks for you and your family. I am so sorry for your loss. Love and prayers.

  10. Elizabeth

    Ciara, I just want to tell you that you are amazing. Your blog about baby Myers and the miscarriage made me cry and covered me in goosebumps but when you said that God has already used this situation to change you husband I cried tears of joy. I know this time is ugly and awful… I unfortunately have had 2 . I was 16 and 18…. I like think God gave me my children back later on once I was able to be more prepared. No one knows why these things happen and I know you will blame yourself and God but please remember God loves you more than anyone and try not to be to hard on yourself you did nothing to cause this. You are a wonderful mother.

  11. Janel

    I love you Ciara.

  12. Laura

    There are no words to ease the pain but know that you are not alone. People are always saying to not tell about pregnancy until after the first trimester so the risk of miscarriage is less. I am thankful we didn’t follow that advice a few years ago… I miscarried at 7 weeks and was so thankful that we had already shared that I was pregnant because I wanted our baby to be known-no matter how short his or her little life was. I needed that love and support and to be able to grieve fully and with the help of others. I was surprised at how many people shared with me their stories of loss during that time. It helped me to know I wasn’t alone. The feelings of guilt and anger and sadness and WHY were so big and overwhelming st times, and my best advice is to let yourself feel it completely and lean on those that God places in your life to support you. I still think of our baby often and take comfort in knowing one day I will meet him or her. May you find peace, comfort, strength and understanding in our Lord during this time. Prayers and love with you, friend.

  13. Jennifer

    Ciara, I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your sweet family are in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine what you all must be going through, I’m sending you all so much love! ❤️

  14. Heather A. Smith

    I went through a miscarriage in 2015. It would have been my first child. My heart breaks for your loss. Especially because you look much further along than I was at 8/9 weeks. Praying for you and your family. It never makes sense why you have to loose something so precious. But know you have a little one in heaven praying for your family now. God bless you!

  15. Brooke Womack

    I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but I and praising along side you that there will be a day where you will all be together in Heaven. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time

  16. April Reuning

    Ciara- I am so so sorry. My heart just breaks for you. I actually had a miscarriage back in December. Though I so hate that you went through that, there is an odd encouragement in your blog. Thanks for your boldness to write it. And Im so sorry! Prayers 💛

  17. Stephanie Walker

    I hate that you are having to go through it too. My heart sank when I saw this post because after my miscarriage I had been praying for you and other friends who were pregnant so that you didn’t have to go through this pain.

    I was diagnosed right before Mother’s Day because they couldn’t find a heartbeat and miscarried completely at the end of May when I was traveling for a friend’s visitation. I also ended up in the ER due to pain (in the same ER that the friend had just committed suicide) and it was just awful.

    I wouldn’t wish a miscarriage on anyone. But for me it helped naming the baby and talking with friends about it. (I reached out to people who had posted about rainbow babies because that is what babies after miscarriage are referred to.) I still wonder what my baby would have been like. When I walk through the stores and see children I wonder which one my kid would look like or what combination of my features and my spouse’s the baby would have.

    My husband and I had conceived and were excited at the prospect of being parents and then it felt like a rug was pulled out from us. I know we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others but I also questioned God why it could happen to me when people who don’t properly care for their children continue to have child after child.

    That being said, as awful as it was to experience it helped strengthen my marriage. My husband was beyond supportive of the days where I cried or got upset because I was still feeling the pregnancy hormones for quite a while after miscarrying but was experiencing them for what I felt like was nothing after miscarrying. (Apparently it is normal.) I wouldn’t be here if my mom hadn’t miscarried so I am a testimony to the rainbow that God can bring after the storm. It doesn’t get better right away. And I still cry sometimes. But I pray to God to help pull me through and I pray hard when others post about pregnancies so that they don’t have the pain. Through loss, my relationship with God has grown.

    When I miscarried I swear everyone was posting about babies or pregnancies (which makes since now that we are in this stage of life) and I cried a lot when I saw posts about other successful pregnancies because I didn’t understand why I lost mine. But I started to pray for others so that they didn’t have to go through it.

    I know it isn’t Mother’s Day, but something about this video I found healing and it was good to hear because of the hurt I was feeling. A friend of mine who miscarried has posted it not knowing what I went through because she had been through the same.

    [watch this video]
    https://www.today.com/video/to-the-mothers-with-an-aching-heart-on-mother-s-day-942736451551?v=a

    Also let Paul know that he too is not alone. Other men are also going through it even though the focus is on what the women go through. Let him know that his grief is seen too. Have him watch the video and just replace mom with dad and it applies all the same. He is no less of a dad to your baby. If he needs someone who can relate my husband and I are both here for you. ❤️

  18. Suzanne Bogan

    I’m so very sorry for your loss! The passing of ones child is truly the worst feeling in the world. You’re truly amazing for being able to share this experience with us. I have had one ectopic pregnancy and one miscarriage. I ended up in counseling because I couldn’t even say the word miscarriage without bursting in to tears! I pray that God will comfort you and your family through this difficult time. Love you!

  19. Adrienne Kirkham

    So sorry for you & your family. 😭 Thank you for writing this! I too took to the internet while experiencing a miscarriage & there are not a lot personal experiences to read. A lot of clinical jargon that is hard to process in such a confusing & terrible time. You are helping others through your grief & that is an amazing thing to do. You will learn quickly how many people you know have lived through this same devastating time. More than you ever realized bc it is not talked about often. You are shedding a light for others to see & it is appreciated more than you know. Much love to you & your family! One day you will feel whole again. I’m so sorry. ❤️ #oneinfour #youarenotalone

  20. Kristina

    Thank you for sharing your story, C. You are an inspiration to many and I’m so thankful to have you as one of my people. I love you, sister!

  21. Ryan

    Love you friend! Know this pain all too well! Here for you when your ready!! Praying over you all and sending big hugs!!

  22. Sherriale

    Ciara,

    My words are few but my prayers are full. Praying for God’s gentle comfort and sweet assurance during this time. While I am sure no answer is fulfilling I pray that you will cling to Him who is enough. I love you and am praying for you and your family.

    Matthew 11:28-30 NIV 28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

  23. Elaine

    I’m so sorry…I experienced three miscarriages and have two rainbow babies (26 and 17 now). You never forget those other babies, but in the sadness there is the hope of seeing them again that is a gift of grace from God.

  24. Jenna

    I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing right now, Ciara. I’m proud of you for being brave and sharing this story with utter honesty. Sending you big hugs and prayers for healing and comfort.

  25. Lee @ Like Minded Musings

    I’m so sorry for your loss Ciara. I am praying for you and your family.

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